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A change is gonna come

8 Jul

There are some big changes coming. I got the news yesterday that I got a new job! That’s right, my hard work paid off. I will be working for a company that is located near my house, about a 5 minute drive! What could be better than that!? I am looking forward to starting fresh in a new company, having new challenges and responsibilities. There are some pros and cons to this new job….this is what I have come up with:

Pros Cons
   
Close to home Longer hours (8:30-5:30)
Gym on site, open 7 days/week! Less “me” time
More challenging Less time to surf the net & blog
Start of a new career, new work identity Miss my friends
English work environment Not downtown
Possibilities of advancement Taking a risk (what if I don’t like it?)
Make new friends  
Less temptation to shop during lunch  
Can run errands during lunch  
Can visit my son during lunch  
Can work out during lunch (hopefully)  
3 weeks vacation, plus 5 personal days  
I won’t be “bored”  
Less stressful travel (no running to catch the train)  
   
   

 

Clearly, it’s an easy decision to make. But why am I so hesitant? I have a few theories.

Theory 1: I am afraid I will be unhappy.

Theory 2: It’s hard to leave something comfortable

Theory 3: I am afraid of hard work

Theory 4: I am worried about making a “bad” decision

Now let’s analyze each one.

Theory 1 is a plausible and justified concern. We all want to be happy. But, I should ask myself this: am I happy now? And the answer is no. I am not happy. I am bored, feel “stuck” with no possibilities of advancement, lack motivation and feel lazy. So, worse case scenario things don’t get better at the new job. Ultimately, my long term goal is to work as a Holistic Nutritionist and work in the field of health and fitness. This job is a stepping stone. As I described in this post, I am looking for a job that allows me to achieve some immediate and short term goals. Working for this new company fits within my criteria somewhat. I am not looking to be happy forever. I have a backup plan!

Theory 2 also makes sense. But, I think in order to grow and develop you need to be uncomfortable. If it wasn’t, it wouldn’t be called a “challenge”. Being challenged, progressing in your life and achieving your goals brings great rewards. Breaking free from your comfort zone and trying new things has the possibility to enrich your life.

Theory 3 is truly a pathetic theory and excuse. But, it may be true. I have waaaaay too much time on my hands and I have gotten really lazy at work. I am able to do my day at work doing the bare minimum. I work on average probably about 2 hours per day. Working a full 8 hours will feel like a lot at first. But I have to remind myself, this is normal. What I do now is abnormal! So it’s not fear, it’s laziness.

Theory 4 is justified. As I look back on my life, I often see only mistakes and bad decisions. Of course, this is ridiculous. Yes, I have made some bad decisions, like everyone, but I also have made some really good decisions. I like to remind myself that when in the heat of the moment, you make your decision based on the information you have at the time. You can’t predict the future. What I do wrong, is by thinking too far ahead and exaggerating the “benefits”. I downplay or disregard the negatives. Am I doing this now? I find that I often think that this decision will transform my life, I will finally be happy and that I will somehow be a better person. I believe that this way of thinking is actually harming me. Yes, making decisions can change your life, make you happier and perhaps even a better person. But it’s not the decision itself. It’s what you do after making this decision. It can get the ball rolling, be a motivator and inspiration. But, ultimately I have to learn to be happy no matter where I am working or how much money I make. Just because I am starting a new job, doesn’t mean I can drastically change my habits and the way I live, one week to the next. I can take this opportunity to begin creating new habits, but it won’t be instantaneous. It will take time and as I have said before, baby steps is what works best!

Day 4 & career update

17 Jun

Day 4- Wednesday June 16

Breakfast

2 scrambled eggs

Bowl of oatmeal – most probably contaminated. Please see comments for explanation.

Snack

½ cup cottage cheese

Peach

Lunch

Leftover homemade soup- yummy!

Celery and a couple of radishes

Plum

½ Jocalat Chocolate Coffee Larabar

Afternoon snack

Handful trail mix

Dinner

Steak with mashed sweet and regular potatoes

Brocoli

Dessert

Heavenly hash ice cream

Comments:

When it comes to eating oats on a gluten-free diet, there is much controversy. This is what I read:

Position Statement on Oats

Revised August 20, 2007 Professional Advisory Board of Canadian Celiac Association

The safety of oats in individuals with celiac disease has been extensively investigated. Clinical evidence confirms that consumption of pure, uncontaminated oats is safe in the amount of 50 to 70 grams per day (1/2 – 3/4 cup dry rolled oats) by adults and 20 to 25 grams per day (1/4 cup dry rolled oats) by children with celiac disease. Studies looking at the consumption of oats over five years have confirmed their safety. However, the studies looking at safety of oats in celiac disease have involved a small number of subjects, the oats used were pure, free of gluten contamination and the amount allowed per day was also limited.

In Canada, pure and uncontaminated* oats are now being produced. Individuals with celiac disease who wish to add oats or oat products to their diet must ensure that the oats they are eating are free from gluten contamination.
A small number of individuals with celiac disease may not tolerate even pure, uncontaminated oats. To ensure that persons with celiac disease are not intolerant to pure and uncontaminated oats, proper clinical follow up with the physician is advised when introducing oats to a gluten-free diet.
The Canadian Celiac Association will continue to monitor the scientific developments in the area of oats in celiac disease and will keep its members updated.

 

Now, where do you find these famous uncontaminated oats? Well, I found a source right around the corner! Cream Hill Estates located in Montreal! I will definitely add this to my grocery for this week.

Now, I am sure you are dying to hear what that little spark of hope is, aren’t you? Well, if you have been reading my posts from the beginning or read the side bar about my current life focus, you will see that I am currently studying Holistic Nutrition. Well, I have actually been on hiatus for a couple of months now, trying to focus on other areas of my life. My studies have been nagging me lately. I have been having little success in the job hunt and it has gotten me quite down. It hit me suddenly yesterday afternoon that I needed to get my butt into gear and create the job that I want! I have decided to get back on track with my studies. I have thought a little about what my dream job would be and this is what I came up with.

“My dream job would be dedicated to health, fitness and nutrition. I would like to act as a nutritional/life coach to individuals looking to achieve wellness.”

Here’s a brief but concise career plan:

Step 1– continue blogging and writing about health, fitness and nutrition

Step 2– finish CSNN RHN program

Step 3– start my own business (nutritional coaching, writing, speaking/teaching, cooking classes, etc)

I will definitely have to do some better planning, but you get the point.

June 2010- September 2010

Look for a job that allows me more time to blog, write, study and participate in activities that are important to me. Ideally in the health, wellness or fitness industry.

September 2010-February 2012

Work at said job. In my spare time, blog, write, study, etc. Oh, and maybe have another baby 😉

February 2012

Complete my RHN degree and be certified. Start practice “on the side”. If needed, reduce hours at work in order to allow for more time to see clients and get business going.

ACTION PLAN IV

5 Jun

ACTION PLAN IV

Problem: Not as organized as I would like to be
Solution: Organize my life!
When I say organize my life, I am not talking about organizing my closet. I am talking about organizing my head. A clear head and mind will automatically result in a happier you! Ok, this is a big one and I have been thinking about it for some time. My life is notworking! My life is NOT what I want it to be. Ok, this is not entirely true.
Let’s look at what is working and what I am happy with.

a) My son

b) Where I live (ie. Neighborhood) and my house (in general. Note: please see ACTION PLAN II)

c) My husband (well, most of the time)

d) Our financial situation

Now let’s look at what I am not happy with (some topics already covered with action plans will not be repeated)

.a) Our inactive lifestyle

b) My job

c) I don’t spend time on things that are important to me

d) I am in a constant battle between what I really want to do and be and what I actually do and am.

TIME TO REVIEW MY LIFE!!

Inactive lifestyle


This problem is related to ACTION PLAN III, lacking motivation. It is also related to point d); I feel as though I have no drive or willpower. I feel as though I am lazy. In my fantasy world, I workout 6 times a week, I try to incorporate exerciseand fitness into my life as much as possible, and I have tons of energy. This isn’t the case. This is not how I am currently living my life and I hate it! I admit it; I am disappointed with myself on a daily basis. I don’t do what I say I will, I never follow through…and I don’t practice what I preach. The truth is, I don’t know how to change. I need a life coach, someone to guide me on the way to my dreams. Any volunteers? I read blogs, magazines, recipes, webpages…you name it. But I can’t seem to figure out WHY!? I need to have a breakthrough. Some sort of breakdown. ButI already had my breakdown; I am just recovering from post-partum depression! I just weaned myself off my depression meds….all I have left to do is to stop my sleeping pills. All the issues I had about being a new mom, loving my son, etc…. have been dealt with. Is it possible there are more issues? I truly think there are. While I was in the midst of suffering from post-partum depression, I remember the first moment that I saw a spark of hope. We were on our way out the door, going somewhere. I really can’t remember where we were going but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that at the last minute I had to go to the washroom, so Frank waited with Sasha in the car while I went. As I sat there, I remember smiling. At this point in my life, it was very rare for me to smile sincerely. There Iwas, sitting on the toilet, smiling all by myself and thinking “I love my life”. What a great feeling it was! This realization made me smile even more! Now this is not to say I don’t smile anymore, because I do. I also laugh and have fun. I am nowhere near where I was back then, but perhaps I am on my way there. I have to nip it in the bud and get back on track to create the life I love and want. I just might need a little professional help. So my problem of my inactive lifestyle is a little more complicated than just lack of motivation.

My Job


It’s no secret that I don’t really like my job. My entire life plan prior to having my son was to get pregnant, go on maternity leave and never go back to my job. I was to change careers, find another job and live happily ever after. Everything was going according to plan. I got pregnant, went on mat leave and lined up a job working in a daycare after my mat leave ended. Well, after the short stint working in a daycare, my old boss called me and asked me to come back. I was unhappy at the daycare, so I gave in. Now, 6 months later, I am back to where Iwas before my mat leave, unhappy and bored! So, a few weeks ago, I began looking for a new job. Well, I quickly discovered that it wasn’t as easy as said and done. Currently, I work in the finance industry and I don’t like it. But when I started looking at jobs in other domains, I realized I don’t have any experience or training. Since I love writing, I decided applying for jobs in communications would be a natural progression. We will see how this pans out. This still leaves me with another dilemma, what about Holistic Nutrition!? If you read the small blurb about me, you probably noticed that I mentioned that I am working towards my degree in Holistic Nutrition. Well, I started but haven’t continued. It wasn’t because I didn’t enjoy it, it is because I lost track of my priorities (and perhaps I was also trying to juggle too many things at a time!) This is classic Bianca. I get really intense about something, be-it nutrition, scrapbooking, photography or working out….I go 130% and then all of a sudden stop! I am not good at balance. Maybe this is where Susan and Tina can help me out? This brings me to the next thing that is not working…..

I don’t spend time on things that are important to me

I spend way toooo much time on things that are meaningless and not enough time on things that are truly important to me. I am going to commit to spending more time (or shall I say, finding time) on the following things.


I deem the following things worthy of my time:


-spending time with my family

-exercising & eating well

-studying Holistic Nutrition

-blogging


After all that, it’s really not as complicated as it seemed.

Finally……


I am in a constant battle between what I really want to do and be and what I actually do and am

So it’s pretty simple. I want to be and do lots of things. But the reality is, I am not superwoman. I can’t DO everything. I have to pick a few key things to focus on and actually focus on them.
Simple concept….is that all it takes to turn your life around?
I have learned from previous experience that trying to change everything all at once doesn’t work. You need to take baby steps, small changes. Build on one new habit at a time. And, at a one point or another, you just need to get off your butt and JUST DO IT!
So that is exactly what I am going to do right now. Get off my butt, and JUST DO IT! Well, starting tomorrow that is.





1 year anniversary….

10 Mar

I feel the need to write about this. It is something very personal to me. But I believe that by sharing, it will be a healing experience for me.

I looked at the calender the other day and realized that April 15th is soon approaching. April 15th used to represent my mother’s birthday. Now, it also represents something else. It represents the day I began taking anti-depressant medication for post-partum depression. I remember this day last year very clearly. It was my mother’s birthday. I wanted to show an expression of my gratitude by taking her out for breakfast. She had helped me so much since my son had been born in October. She came over to help me everyday for the first few months. She was there to help me get through those difficult days, she was a shoulder to cry on. I wanted to thank her so we went out for breakfast, my mother, my son and myself. I had been seeing a psychologist for a few weeks by this point. My mother was aware of that. But what she didn’t know, and I wanted to hide from her, was that I had decided that the use of anti-depressant medication would be beneficial for me. So as I sat there, fake smile and all, I gracefully slipped that pill in mouth and downed a glass of water. I hoped she didn’t notice. I didn’t want to make up some lie about taking vitamins or something. I am such a horrible liar. She didn’t notice and my healing began.

I was amazed at how fast I began to notice a difference in my mood. Within a week my head no longer buzzed with background noise. Everything seemed quieter, I could hear my own thoughts once again. I continued to see my therapist, but where the magic was, was in my anti-depressant. I had a lot of internal dialogue to listen to and to correct. “I am a bad mother”, “I am a bad wife and daughter”, “I have no friends”, “I’d rather be at work than here with my son. This definitely means I am a bad mother”. Over time, those thoughts began to go away. I began to feel happy again, excited for a new day to begin. I still had difficulty sleeping though. I would awaken frequently in the night. Some nights, my son would not awaken to feed, but I still would wake up on my own. My feelings toward my son also began to change. I began to feel true love for him. I found him cute and funny. The times that he would awaken to feed or to be soothed, I wansn’t bothered. I wanted to be there to care for him.

The real healing was in my expectations and my perceptions of myself. As a young child and eventhrough my adulthood, I dreamed of being a mother. I loved children and I fantisized about being a stay-at-home mom, a homemaker. I would even judge those who didn’t want to or couldn’t stay at home with their children. I would say to myself, “what’s the point of having children!” There I was living my dream, and I hated it! I thought to myself that if I don’t enjoy the very thing I have been dreaming about my whole life, what do I enjoy? What kind of mother am I to hate being home with their son? After struggling with these thoughts, I began to realize that it is ok not to want to be a stay-at-home mom. I can find my own way to be a wonderful, working mother. I could give my son lots of love and attention and still be my own self, still have an identity other than being a mother. I gradually came to terms with my post-partum depression and with my own identity. I loved being a mother and I loved my son in my own way. Every mother has to do what is right for them and for their family. For us, I need to work. I love my son immensly, but that doesn’t change the fact that I need to have a career. Some women may already know this about themselves, but I didn’t. It took going through post-partum depression for me to see this.

I experienced a small set back when I returned to working. Prior to having my son I worked for a financial institution but was taking night courses in Early Childhood Education. When upon returning to work, I chose not to return to my old job, but to begin a new career in a daycare. Within meere weeks I became very unhappy. My depression was returning. This job was not for me! Luck came my way in a phone call from my team leader at the bank. She asked me once again if I’d wanted to return to work at the financial institution. The timing was perfect. By the second day I was back to work at the financial institution, I felt like myself again.

I began to explore my interests. In december, when things finally settled down for me, I began to read magazines again, search the internet, expand my knowledge a bit. It all began with my son disliking meat. I started looking into more vegatarian dishes. I also began reading info on cleansing your body, eating optimally for health and wellness. Everything seemed to be pointing in the same direction; discovered veganism and vegetarianism. So, I set myself a goal of become a vegetarian. I have experimented a bit with veganism as well.

Throughout this process, I also began taking another magical pill that helped me sleep. I sleep so wonderfully and deeply every night thanks to this medication. Most nights, I sleep anywhere between eight and nine hours. The problem is that I am now dependant on these medications. I want to stop taking the meds and feel better on my own. I want to sleep peacefully due to fatigue, not due to a pill. I want to feel that bone deep fatigue, that overall body feeling of tiredness. Another effect of the medication is sleepiness in the morning. In the morning, I have a lot of difficulty waking up. It often takes not only my alarm but my husband as well to get me out of bed. It’s not that I am still tired after 9 hours of sleep, it’s that the medications relax me so well!

I am visiting my doctor in a month, I plan to discuss with him the weaning of my meds. I think I am ready. I have done so much healing this past year, and now it’s time for me to be a big girl and move on.