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Feeling oh so crappy

14 Jul

Things haven’t been so good for me lately. I feel as though I am spiralling down once again into a depression. Not the best place to be. Nothing seems to be right or good enough. My self-talk has been so negative lately….I treat my enemies better! When I see myself in the mirror or look down at my body, I am so disgusted with myself. My energy is really low, it takes a lot for me to smile and I am having more bad days than good. I think a lot of it has to do with my self-esteem and my self-confidence. It is definitely different than my post-partum depression. These are feelings you are supposed to deal with in your 20’s not your 30’s! Pathetic I tell you! I need a major intervention or else I will reach the point where only medication will help. And I don’t want to go there again. I have few a ideas how to stop it and think I need to set myself some goals.

Now that my eating habits are under control and I feel in control at home, perhaps it is time to incorporate a little bit of physical activity. Exercise helps in a multitude if ways!
1) exercise helps to lift your mood because it releases endorphins.
2) exercise increases your energy level.
3) exercise makes the body fit!

In the past, I have setup up unrealistic goals and piled way too much on my plate. What happens? I get completely discouraged because it’s just too much! I am NOT making that mistake again! No way! Only baby steps from now on. I think setting a goal of 4x/ week sounds reasonable. But I need to look realistically at my schedule and make sure it’s doable.



5 Jun


Problem: Not as organized as I would like to be
Solution: Organize my life!
When I say organize my life, I am not talking about organizing my closet. I am talking about organizing my head. A clear head and mind will automatically result in a happier you! Ok, this is a big one and I have been thinking about it for some time. My life is notworking! My life is NOT what I want it to be. Ok, this is not entirely true.
Let’s look at what is working and what I am happy with.

a) My son

b) Where I live (ie. Neighborhood) and my house (in general. Note: please see ACTION PLAN II)

c) My husband (well, most of the time)

d) Our financial situation

Now let’s look at what I am not happy with (some topics already covered with action plans will not be repeated)

.a) Our inactive lifestyle

b) My job

c) I don’t spend time on things that are important to me

d) I am in a constant battle between what I really want to do and be and what I actually do and am.


Inactive lifestyle

This problem is related to ACTION PLAN III, lacking motivation. It is also related to point d); I feel as though I have no drive or willpower. I feel as though I am lazy. In my fantasy world, I workout 6 times a week, I try to incorporate exerciseand fitness into my life as much as possible, and I have tons of energy. This isn’t the case. This is not how I am currently living my life and I hate it! I admit it; I am disappointed with myself on a daily basis. I don’t do what I say I will, I never follow through…and I don’t practice what I preach. The truth is, I don’t know how to change. I need a life coach, someone to guide me on the way to my dreams. Any volunteers? I read blogs, magazines, recipes, webpages…you name it. But I can’t seem to figure out WHY!? I need to have a breakthrough. Some sort of breakdown. ButI already had my breakdown; I am just recovering from post-partum depression! I just weaned myself off my depression meds….all I have left to do is to stop my sleeping pills. All the issues I had about being a new mom, loving my son, etc…. have been dealt with. Is it possible there are more issues? I truly think there are. While I was in the midst of suffering from post-partum depression, I remember the first moment that I saw a spark of hope. We were on our way out the door, going somewhere. I really can’t remember where we were going but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that at the last minute I had to go to the washroom, so Frank waited with Sasha in the car while I went. As I sat there, I remember smiling. At this point in my life, it was very rare for me to smile sincerely. There Iwas, sitting on the toilet, smiling all by myself and thinking “I love my life”. What a great feeling it was! This realization made me smile even more! Now this is not to say I don’t smile anymore, because I do. I also laugh and have fun. I am nowhere near where I was back then, but perhaps I am on my way there. I have to nip it in the bud and get back on track to create the life I love and want. I just might need a little professional help. So my problem of my inactive lifestyle is a little more complicated than just lack of motivation.

My Job

It’s no secret that I don’t really like my job. My entire life plan prior to having my son was to get pregnant, go on maternity leave and never go back to my job. I was to change careers, find another job and live happily ever after. Everything was going according to plan. I got pregnant, went on mat leave and lined up a job working in a daycare after my mat leave ended. Well, after the short stint working in a daycare, my old boss called me and asked me to come back. I was unhappy at the daycare, so I gave in. Now, 6 months later, I am back to where Iwas before my mat leave, unhappy and bored! So, a few weeks ago, I began looking for a new job. Well, I quickly discovered that it wasn’t as easy as said and done. Currently, I work in the finance industry and I don’t like it. But when I started looking at jobs in other domains, I realized I don’t have any experience or training. Since I love writing, I decided applying for jobs in communications would be a natural progression. We will see how this pans out. This still leaves me with another dilemma, what about Holistic Nutrition!? If you read the small blurb about me, you probably noticed that I mentioned that I am working towards my degree in Holistic Nutrition. Well, I started but haven’t continued. It wasn’t because I didn’t enjoy it, it is because I lost track of my priorities (and perhaps I was also trying to juggle too many things at a time!) This is classic Bianca. I get really intense about something, be-it nutrition, scrapbooking, photography or working out….I go 130% and then all of a sudden stop! I am not good at balance. Maybe this is where Susan and Tina can help me out? This brings me to the next thing that is not working…..

I don’t spend time on things that are important to me

I spend way toooo much time on things that are meaningless and not enough time on things that are truly important to me. I am going to commit to spending more time (or shall I say, finding time) on the following things.

I deem the following things worthy of my time:

-spending time with my family

-exercising & eating well

-studying Holistic Nutrition


After all that, it’s really not as complicated as it seemed.


I am in a constant battle between what I really want to do and be and what I actually do and am

So it’s pretty simple. I want to be and do lots of things. But the reality is, I am not superwoman. I can’t DO everything. I have to pick a few key things to focus on and actually focus on them.
Simple concept….is that all it takes to turn your life around?
I have learned from previous experience that trying to change everything all at once doesn’t work. You need to take baby steps, small changes. Build on one new habit at a time. And, at a one point or another, you just need to get off your butt and JUST DO IT!
So that is exactly what I am going to do right now. Get off my butt, and JUST DO IT! Well, starting tomorrow that is.

1 year anniversary….

10 Mar

I feel the need to write about this. It is something very personal to me. But I believe that by sharing, it will be a healing experience for me.

I looked at the calender the other day and realized that April 15th is soon approaching. April 15th used to represent my mother’s birthday. Now, it also represents something else. It represents the day I began taking anti-depressant medication for post-partum depression. I remember this day last year very clearly. It was my mother’s birthday. I wanted to show an expression of my gratitude by taking her out for breakfast. She had helped me so much since my son had been born in October. She came over to help me everyday for the first few months. She was there to help me get through those difficult days, she was a shoulder to cry on. I wanted to thank her so we went out for breakfast, my mother, my son and myself. I had been seeing a psychologist for a few weeks by this point. My mother was aware of that. But what she didn’t know, and I wanted to hide from her, was that I had decided that the use of anti-depressant medication would be beneficial for me. So as I sat there, fake smile and all, I gracefully slipped that pill in mouth and downed a glass of water. I hoped she didn’t notice. I didn’t want to make up some lie about taking vitamins or something. I am such a horrible liar. She didn’t notice and my healing began.

I was amazed at how fast I began to notice a difference in my mood. Within a week my head no longer buzzed with background noise. Everything seemed quieter, I could hear my own thoughts once again. I continued to see my therapist, but where the magic was, was in my anti-depressant. I had a lot of internal dialogue to listen to and to correct. “I am a bad mother”, “I am a bad wife and daughter”, “I have no friends”, “I’d rather be at work than here with my son. This definitely means I am a bad mother”. Over time, those thoughts began to go away. I began to feel happy again, excited for a new day to begin. I still had difficulty sleeping though. I would awaken frequently in the night. Some nights, my son would not awaken to feed, but I still would wake up on my own. My feelings toward my son also began to change. I began to feel true love for him. I found him cute and funny. The times that he would awaken to feed or to be soothed, I wansn’t bothered. I wanted to be there to care for him.

The real healing was in my expectations and my perceptions of myself. As a young child and eventhrough my adulthood, I dreamed of being a mother. I loved children and I fantisized about being a stay-at-home mom, a homemaker. I would even judge those who didn’t want to or couldn’t stay at home with their children. I would say to myself, “what’s the point of having children!” There I was living my dream, and I hated it! I thought to myself that if I don’t enjoy the very thing I have been dreaming about my whole life, what do I enjoy? What kind of mother am I to hate being home with their son? After struggling with these thoughts, I began to realize that it is ok not to want to be a stay-at-home mom. I can find my own way to be a wonderful, working mother. I could give my son lots of love and attention and still be my own self, still have an identity other than being a mother. I gradually came to terms with my post-partum depression and with my own identity. I loved being a mother and I loved my son in my own way. Every mother has to do what is right for them and for their family. For us, I need to work. I love my son immensly, but that doesn’t change the fact that I need to have a career. Some women may already know this about themselves, but I didn’t. It took going through post-partum depression for me to see this.

I experienced a small set back when I returned to working. Prior to having my son I worked for a financial institution but was taking night courses in Early Childhood Education. When upon returning to work, I chose not to return to my old job, but to begin a new career in a daycare. Within meere weeks I became very unhappy. My depression was returning. This job was not for me! Luck came my way in a phone call from my team leader at the bank. She asked me once again if I’d wanted to return to work at the financial institution. The timing was perfect. By the second day I was back to work at the financial institution, I felt like myself again.

I began to explore my interests. In december, when things finally settled down for me, I began to read magazines again, search the internet, expand my knowledge a bit. It all began with my son disliking meat. I started looking into more vegatarian dishes. I also began reading info on cleansing your body, eating optimally for health and wellness. Everything seemed to be pointing in the same direction; discovered veganism and vegetarianism. So, I set myself a goal of become a vegetarian. I have experimented a bit with veganism as well.

Throughout this process, I also began taking another magical pill that helped me sleep. I sleep so wonderfully and deeply every night thanks to this medication. Most nights, I sleep anywhere between eight and nine hours. The problem is that I am now dependant on these medications. I want to stop taking the meds and feel better on my own. I want to sleep peacefully due to fatigue, not due to a pill. I want to feel that bone deep fatigue, that overall body feeling of tiredness. Another effect of the medication is sleepiness in the morning. In the morning, I have a lot of difficulty waking up. It often takes not only my alarm but my husband as well to get me out of bed. It’s not that I am still tired after 9 hours of sleep, it’s that the medications relax me so well!

I am visiting my doctor in a month, I plan to discuss with him the weaning of my meds. I think I am ready. I have done so much healing this past year, and now it’s time for me to be a big girl and move on.